My Son

Rajeev Verma, self composed & published 1991

At this time you are sleeping deeply, one of your hands is pressed under your cheek and a strand of your hair has stuck to a few drops of sweat on your forehead, I am standing in your room looking at you. Just a short time ago, when I was reading my newspaper, a wave of sadness started suffocating me and the feeling of guilt that arose in my heart pulled me to your room.

At this moment, a fever of emotions is surging in my heart, one after the other. Today I scolded you a lot when you were getting dressed to go to school. You didn’t even clean your mouth properly. There was no polish on your shoes. I saw that all your things were scattered randomly in the room. I kept catching your mistakes even at the breakfast table. “Hold the spoon properly, don’t do this, don’t do that, don’t eat fast, breakfast is not going anywhere. Then you rested your elbows on the table?

How many times have you been refused and you still don’t agree? When will you understand? ” You kept eating silently. While going to school, you called me: “Ta Ta Papa” and I frowned. “Your hands are dirty, go wash your hands.”

The same sequence started again in the third quarter. When I came from the office, you were sitting on your knees playing bullets. There were holes in your socks. I condemned you in front of your friends. I deliberately did not speak to you while eating dinner. You were looking at me again and again, thinking maybe I would start some conversation or sermon. But I remained silent. Deliberately kept ignoring you as if you were not at the dinner table.

After dinner, I was going to read a magazine when you came to me frightened but did not say anything. “What’s the matter now?” , I asked. You stopped for a moment and then ran to me, wrapped your hands around my waist and hugged me close to you and said, “Papa! You are so good!” I stood there stunned.

Suddenly I realized that the pool of love in your little heart is not dry yet. All my rebuke, scolding and rebuke have not diminished the love for me in your innocent heart, and this fact is so clearly reflected in your sincere behavior.

My son, since then I have not been able to get rid of the feeling of guilt and remorse that surrounds me. Suddenly I don’t know what happened to me that I became helpless to come to your room and looking at you I am thinking how great you are. You never felt bad about anything I said.

Your love for me never diminished. I feel like waking you up and loving you, telling you the feelings of my heart, but I know that you will not be able to understand my words right now. You are very young. But I want to assure you that from tomorrow I will change my behavior. I will raise you as an ideal father.