Rajeev Verma
What are the disadvantages of sleep divorce?
A big drawback of sleep divorce is simply not being able to sleep together. Again, some couples may perceive this to be a sign of trouble. Others may feel they’re missing out on a sense of closeness. This is completely natural, but it also has a solution.
What happens when couples stop sleeping together?
Sleeping apart could also breed conflicts and, in the long term, emotional distance. Without a shared space for reconnection, partners may find themselves easily detached, avoiding each other and ultimately not resolving their issues.
Sleep divorce drawbacks
While sleeping separately can have many benefits, it’s definitely not for everyone or every partnership.
Downsides of sleep separation:
It may decrease intimacy. Sleeping in separate rooms may create some emotional distance or disconnection. There’s something about being in a bedroom at night — a privacy that leads to talking with your significant other in a way that you don’t when you’re outside of that space.
It may hurt your sex life. While sleep separation enhances many couples’ romantic life, it can do the exact opposite for others. Even if it doesn’t hurt your sex life but spooning, cuddling and touch are important in most relationships. If you aren’t intentional about intimacy, sleeping separately can dim the afterglow, prevent pillow talk and diminish desire.
It may be lonely. You used to hate the sound of your significant other working on their laptop next to you for hours at a time. But now that you’re sleeping by yourself, you find yourself actually missing that reassuring “clack clack clack.” If you’re used to having somebody next to you in bed every night, it’s not surprising to find yourself longing for a little less “me time” and a little more “we time.”
It may feed insecurities. With a name like “sleep divorce,” it’s little wonder that some people get nervous about sleeping apart. It can send a confusing signal. People may interpret the separation as a sign of issues or problems in a relationship. For many people, sleeping in different rooms marks the end of a relationship. Others may feel embarrassment or self-judgement because of the cultural stigma attached to sleeping separately.
It may foster resentment. For a sleep separation to be successful, both parties need to be comfortable with the arrangement and willing to sort out concerns as and when they arise. Without sufficient communication, your sleeping arrangement could once again become a bone of contention.
It may be expensive. Let’s be real: Many of us don’t have enough cash on hand to furnish a whole second bedroom. And even if we did, a lot of us don’t have an unused room in which to put all that expensive stuff. Sleep separation may not be an option for you and your partner because you simply don’t have an extra space to sleep.
You have fewer things to fight about. Just imagine it. You don’t have to go to war over how soft or firm the mattress should be anymore. Gone are the days of debates over the merits of eating in bed? Perhaps even more important, the next time you find yourself in a horrendously bad mood, you don’t have to worry that you’re going to snap at your beloved because they made the mistake of … you know … being nearby.
Worsened sleep quality: Although sleeping separately improves sleep quality for some, it reduces sleep quality for others. Of people who tried a sleep divorce, then eventually began sleeping together again, 40% say their sleep quality improved after ending the sleep divorce. Also, sleeping with a romantic partner was associated with both better sleep quality and better mental health.
Reduced intimacy: Over one-fourth of couples who try out a sleep divorce end up eventually sharing a bed again later. For over one-third of them, missing each other was what brought them back together. If you’re accustomed to cuddling up with your partner at night, suddenly sleeping alone might feel lonely. This may also have an impact on the couple’s sex life.
Security: For some people, sleeping alone may affect their sense of security. This can lead to lighter sleep as they remain in surveillance mode, listening for safety threats within the sleep environment. When a bed partner is present, this may provide reassurance and reduce insomnia.
Alternatives to a Sleep Divorce
A sleep divorce may be a big commitment, especially if it involves rearranging your home or buying a new bed.
First, you might want to try other alternatives.
Screening for sleep apnea: If snoring is motivating you to try a sleep divorce, screening for sleep apnea could be in order. Commonly, snoring is a symptom of the disorder. Other signs of sleep apnea include gasping or pausing breathing during sleep, feeling tired during the day, waking up at night to urinate, irritability, and a tendency to fall asleep while driving or watching television.
Changing sleep schedules: If different sleep schedules are the issue, making adjustments may help you avoid a sleep divorce. For example, if one person prefers to stay up late, they could train themselves to go to sleep at an earlier time, so as to avoid waking up their partner. Of course, sometimes external factors, like work schedules, make sleep schedule adjustments difficult or impossible.
Sleep Scandinavian style: The Scandinavian style of sleeping involves sharing the same bed, but not the same bedding. This option allows each partner to use the type of bedding that best suits their nighttime temperature preferences. It also allows for more freedom of movement that’s less likely to disturb a bed partner.
Using other sleep-promoting tools: When sleeping in a different room isn’t ideal, there are other ways to potentially shut out disturbances caused by a sleep partner. 18% of sleepers wear an eye mask to block out light and 15% use earplugs to block out sound in order to sleep with their partner more easily.
“It may feel discouraging to contemplate a sleep divorce. Instead, consider it a healthy change to enhance each partner’s sleep. Prioritize an evening routine that includes time to connect, and then retire to separate quarters without feeling guilty. If it does not work, it is always possible to return to a prior arrangement.”
RAJEEV VERMA 